Read Owner's Manual Before Use

I’ve recently made a life-shattering discovery. No matter how hard I try, I will never learn how to properly use a microwave.

It’s not like I haven’t tried or had the opportunity to learn…my family has had a microwave in our home since I was born. The appliance seems almost too good to be true: it’s a simple and speedy way to heat up, and in some cases fully cook, a meal. And discounting the minor fact that microwave radiation can cause cancer, who wouldn’t want to use one?

That answer would be me. Well, I guess it’s “shouldn’t” use one. I have burnt, exploded, inflamed, melted just about everything there is to perform any of these actions to in a microwave.

The most memorable would be in my high school cafeteria, during a time when I wanted to slip under the radar and fit in more than anything. Microwaves were a new purchase for our school that year, one that many students like myself were ecstatic about due to the endless supply of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches our parents had provided for us since we were able to eat solid foods.

I tossed an unpopped bag of popcorn into my brown paper bag that morning and was on my way. At about 11:30 am at the start of my lunch period, I waited patiently in the line to use the microwave, preparing myself for the snack of buttery goodness I was about to consume. I put the bag in, set the timer for 3 minutes, and proceeded to chat with a friend. We were still laughing about something that had happened earlier that day when I caught sight of smoke streaming out of the microwave about a foot away from me. Naturally, my “friend” chose to act like she didn’t know me and slip away to another lunch table. Nice. I was left alone to deal with what was happening in the microwave.

I opened the door to stop the power, but that did not stop the cloud of smoke and stench of burnt popcorn from entering the entire 200 foot cafeteria. Not only had I managed to burn my popcorn, but I had managed to start a FIRE in the microwave from the paper bag, stream smoke as I sprinted with the fireball across the cafeteria to the back door, and acquire more looks from fellow students than I was or will ever be comfortable with in my entire life.

For the rest of the day, I listened to conversations coming from students in the later lunch periods about the smell of burnt popcorn in the cafeteria. “My god the cafeteria smelled lie burnt ass today.” (It was high school, so throwing in a curse word every sentence or two was still incredibly cool, even if it didn’t make sense).

While my roommates would agree with the fact that I have neither improved my ability to pop popcorn (last night’s smoke alarm incident would vouch for that) nor increased my microwave skills in general, I realize that I am not fully to blame here. No, it runs in the family.

My sister, upon her first attempt at “softening” butter for cookie dough when she was about 13 years old placed the unwrapped stick of butter directly on the microwave bottom and hit “Time Cook” for about 2 minutes. As you can imagine, the yellow pool that was our microwave took quite a while to clean.

Even my dad has had failures in the past. On a night when he was the only one home about 7 years ago, he decided to cook himself a steak and baked potato. He put the potato in the microwave and went on out to the back deck to cook his steak. He believes now that he “accidentally pressed an extra zero” on the cook time. Instead of 3 minutes, the potato cooked for 30 minutes. In a microwave.  

What was left of the potato reminded me of the turkey in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, just a shell, with no substance on the inside. Needless to say the firemen that showed up at our house were less than amused.

The one thing I can give myself credit for is that I am a skilled chef and baker. When it comes to using a real oven and stove, I can whip up some scrumptious food. I had even considered attending culinary school at one point.

Instead….I chose college. Where my freezer is full of meals that are microwaved on a daily basis. Where I currently consume more burnt food than is healthy for any human being. I figure I’ll learn to use a microwave one day, or maybe get rid of it all together for the safety of my family and myself. After all, if this incapacity is genetic, I would never wish this on any of my children or the generations to come.